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President Donald Trump announced in a Truth (sic) Social post that he will be signing an executive order to change the rules of grammar. Effective immediately, all complete sentences must contain a noun, a verb, and "Joe Biden."
A high-ranking White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the original idea was that the rule would only apply to bad economic news, the Epstein files, immigration enforcement folly, naval misadventures, and similar issues. But on reflection, the administration realized a simpler blanket rule amounts to the same thing. "No news is good news" added the official, apparently completely misunderstanding the maxim.
The Radical Left Lowlife Junior College Of Cardinals is trying to cover up their Cheating in the last Conclave by Cheating even More in this one!! Everyone wants me as Pope! Many, perhaps all, Bishops are saying to me "Sir, I'm Praying for you to be Pope!" Ask any Catholic and they'll tell you. But the Deep State Communist Cardinals are against me.
Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa, Latin Patriarchate of Jerusalem, was unavailable for comment. Plenty of other Cardinals practically tripped over each other to give a pithy quote, but it's Pizzaballa or nothing, in this reporter's view.
President Trump yesterday announced tariffs on imports from our closest allies. Particularly hard-hit are Atlantis, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, Tatooine, Arrakis, Elbonia, Lilliput, Brobdingnag, and Bali Ha'i.
[Editor's note: a previous version of this story mistakenly included Eastasia in the list of new tariffs. We've always been in a trade war with Eastasia. We regret the error.]
The White House announced today that, in addition to the previously-announced Gulf of America, many more geographic names are slated to change. A preliminary list includes the following:
New Mexico: New And Improved Mexico.
Rio Grande: Half-caf/half-decaf Rio Venti.
Arkansas: Still Arkansas, but now pronounced Are-Kansas.
Rhode Island: Rhode. Just Rhode. It's not an island, people! Have you looked at a map?!
Niagra Falls: Viagra Falls. This was unexplained, but a White House insider who declined to be named said it was the President's personal decision. Winking and making a finger-guns gesture, the source concluded with "'Nuff said."
Virginia and West Virginia, North and South Carolina, and North and South Dakota will be combined to become, respectively, Virginia, Carolina, and Dogpatch. The electoral consequences of this made Democratic campaign strategists' eyes grow as big as saucers. The White House, when asked to comment about this aspect of the change, said "That's not a worry, 'cause we never thought of that."
Finger Lakes: Wiener Lakes. Acknowledging that they don't especially look like wieners, the White House defended the change, saying they don't really look like fingers either.
In related news, all restaurants will now be renamed to McDonald's.
President Trump today appointed Sen. Reed Smoot and Rep. Willis Hawley as joint chairs of the National Economic Council. The announcement came as a surprise to economists all across the spectrum, from Phil Gramm to Paul Krugman. "I thought those two were as dead as their ideas," said Gramm. Krugman just sighed, buried his face in his hands, and quietly groaned.
Ludwig von Mises sprang from his grave, lurched towards the White House, spotted Elon Musk on the way and gave him the finger, saying "I got your gesture right here!" He burst into the Oval Office, slapped the President, then shambled back to his resting place, shouting "Don't make me come back again!" as he clawed his way back into the ground.
Archivists have discovered a previously unknown conjecture by Pierre de Fermat. Found scribbled in the margin of his copy of the January 1979 issue of Tiger Beat magazine is the following note:
I have devised the most marvelous proof that Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” is the best disco song of all time. I don’t have room here for the entire proof.
Reaction from disco academics has been divided. Said Dr. Lenny Euler of USC, ‘This is nonsense. It’s long been known that Donna Summer has ten or more better disco songs. Gauss knew that in his crib!” In contrast, Dr. Pete Laplace of the University of Chicago commented “I think Fermat is correct, but, alas, more than a decade of my own toil has been spent in vain trying to prove just that. I have completed the related proof that Heart of Glass is, of the indisputably great disco songs, the best new wave song. Are you listening, Nobel committee?”
Debby Harry did not respond to requests for comment.
GOP apologists, who wish to remain anonymous on grounds of severe shame, point out that Trump only promised that Bondi would end DOJ weaponization against Republicans.
The new nominee is the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Congressional GOP leaders reacted positively to the change. Speaker of the House Mike "Mike" Johnson said "Oz will enhance the other nominees. For example, he can give Matt Gaetz a heart, and RFKjr a brain. You know, the whole worm thing." Paging through his list of nominees, Rep. Johnson was heard to mutter "Needs a brain... brain... brain and heart... brain..."
President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Captain Kangaroo as the next Secretary of the Navy. Exasperated Senator Chuck Schumer said in a press conference on Tuesday “Another TV personality? How many is that? And what does Bob Keeshan know about the Navy?” An aide to the senator explained that no, it’s not the actor Bob Keeshan who played the beloved Captain Kangaroo for twenty-nine years that Trump has chosen, it’s the character of Captain Kangaroo who will fill the top job in the US Navy.
Continued Schumer “How is that even possible? And isn’t Bob Keeshan dead? OK, yes, yes… it’s not Keeshan, it’s the Captain. I’m going to have to think about this.”
Incoming Senate majority leader John Thune, R-SD, promised to promptly hold confirmation hearings, if Mr. Moose doesn’t drop ping-pong balls in the hearing room. “Then all bets are off.”
In a post on Truth (sic) Social, president-elect Trump appointed himself to the position of Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization.
I am pleased to announce that Former President Donald J. Trump will be joining the Trump Administration as Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization. I've known Don for a long time, and there is Nobody Better at including Capital Letters in Nouns, Verbs, Adjectives, Adverbs, And Conjunctions. Failing Lamestream English Teachers may say these Letters are incorrect, but nobody knows Grammar like Donald J. Trump. I've heard from MAGA English Teachers from all over the Country, and many of them, especially from MIT, are saying "President Trump, I've never seen anybody Capitalize with such brilliance as you."
Illiterates everywhere were unavailable for comment.
"Pardon a turkey? Obama has lost his mind! Sad!"
"These turkeys are criminals, drug dealers. Some, I assume, are good poultry."
"Say what you will about crooked Hillary, but she wouldn't let these birds get off scot-free."
"Mickey Dolenz was always my favorite Monkee."
"Before we know it, we'll have a Willie Horton situation, with super-predator turkeys roaming our streets."
