Saturday, November 26, 2016

Trump Remembers Fidel Castro

President-elect Donald Trump held a press conference today to hail Fidel Castro, deceased leader of Cuba, as a "sincere and reliable friend of Russia - I mean America." Reporters were puzzled that his lips weren't synchronized with his words, and that he seemed to have developed a Russian accent.

Mr. Trump went on to say "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It's totally not Putin."

Friday, November 25, 2016

Trump mourns "Partridge Family" Matriarch Florence Henderson

President-elect Donald Trump today expressed the grief of the nation, one day after beloved actress Florence Henderson passed away. Unsuccessfully fighting back tears, Mr. Trump rambled on for 35 minutes, mostly about the rivalry between Danny Partridge and Reuben Kincaid.

Mr. Trump's Senior Counselor designate, Stephen "Steve" Bannon, briefly pulled Mr. Trump away from the podium and whispered in his ear. A visibly relieved Trump resumed his remarks, saying "Oh, thank God! Not Mrs. Partridge! I didn't like the Mom on 'My Three Sons' anyway. Never mind!"

Trump Decrees Hungry Hungry Hippos Match

President-elect Donald Trump has determined that his two finalists for the position of Secretary of State, Mitt Romney and Rudolph W. Giuliani, will fight it out in a winner-take-all, best-of-five Hungry Hungry Hippos cage match. It will be shown on pay-per-view cable television at a date to be determined. Insiders expect it to take place before the end of November.

Las Vegas oddsmakers had initially picked former New York Mayor Giuliani as a 5-to-2 favorite. As a New Yorker and a former prosecutor, he has a bit of a reputation as a street fighter. Former Governor Romney, on the other hand, has a reputation akin to that of mild-mannered comic book character Richie Rich.

However, it was revealed late on Thanksgiving Day that Mr. Romney is a life-long Hungry Hungry Hippos player. A leaked manuscript of an unauthorized biography detailed his long history with the game. As a youth, he spent three years training under famed coach Dirk Bollettieri, who has coached ten world #1 Hungry Hungry Hippos players. Although Mr. Romney never played professionally, he was a nationally ranked junior player, and was heavily recruited by several pro teams.

As Governor of Massachusetts, Mr. Romney often used Hungry Hungry Hippos to resolve disputes among his cabinet members. More than one weak player resigned in frustration, unable to secure the Governor's backing for funding their departments.

Mr. Giuliani had been publicly predicting a three-to-zero sweep in the match, but has now retreated to his mountain lair, presumably to train.




Thursday, November 24, 2016

Lost "Star Trek" Script

I found this fragment of an old TV script at a rummage sale.

STAR TREK
"UNCLE WANYA"

INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

KIRK
(voiceover)

Captain's log, stardate 6.02x10^23. The enterprise is on a diplomatic mission, transporting Ambassador Zdechlik to Rigel 6. Ten light-years from our destination, we encountered a previously unknown interstellar barrier. According to sensors, it is composed of pure energy.

KIRK
Lieutenant Chekhov -- visual, minimum magnification.

CHEKHOV fiddles with his control panel, and a swirling whirlpool-like object appears on the screen.

CHEKHOV
It's a wortex!

MCCOY
A what?

KIRK
What's that at the center of the vortex? Maximum magnification, Lieutenant.

CHEKHOV again adjusts his control panel. A menacing space ship is at the center of the vortex.

CHEKHOV
An alien wessel! Possibly of Wulcan origin!

MCCOY
A what? From where?

SPOCK
I hardly think it's necessary to describe a Vulcan ship as "alien," Lieutenant.

KIRK
Scan it with our sensors.

CHECKHOV
It's... wacant, Captain.

MCCOY
We're on year 4 1/2 of our five-year mission, and he still can't speak English!

KIRK
Vacant? No life forms? Has there been a life-support failure? Scan for appropriate temperature, artificial gravity, atmosphere.

CHEKHOV
The interior has no air -- it's a wacuum.

KIRK
Has the hull been breached? Any sign of battle?

CHEKHOV
The ship is intact. No signs of wiolence.

KIRK
And yet the ship is completely devoid of life? Please scan again.

CHEKHOV
I will werify.

CHEKHOV beats his control panel like a drum

CHEKHOV (cont'd)
Wacuum. No oxygen. No nitrogen. Not so much as a molecule of water wapor.
(continues to fiddle with control panel)

MCCOY
They're dead, Jim!

CHEKHOV
I see evidence that they're the wictims of Klingon wengeance.

KIRK
What evidence?

CHEKHOV
Womit.

KIRK
Vomit?

CHEKHOV
Womit. Sensors detect wast amounts of womit on the Wulcan wessel.

SPOCK
If I may, Lieutenant... Captain, the Klingons have been known to be working on biological weapons. It's possible that they've devised a bacteria...

CHEKHOV
(interjecting)
... or wirus!

SPOCK
... or virus that causes deadly gastroenteritis.

KIRK
Bones! What do you think of this? Could it be contagious? Could the Enterprise be at risk?

MCCOY
Jim, I'm a doctor, not a doc... never mind. Yes, it could be a threat to our crew. Or at least to those of us with green blood.

(Awkward pause, as MCCOY and KIRK smile at one another, and SPOCK arches an eyebrow.)

KIRK
Humans might be immune?

MCCOY
It's impossible to know, without collecting a sample.

KIRK
If you had a sample, could you come up with a cure?

CHEKHOV
A waccine?

Trump to End Tradition of Pardoning Thanksgiving Turkey

President-elect Donald Trump lashed out at President Obama early today over the yearly White House ritual of pardoning a turkey. In a series of 3 a.m. tweets, the real estate mogul laid out an air-tight logical case for ending the practice.

"Pardon a turkey? Obama has lost his mind! Sad!"

"These turkeys are criminals, drug dealers. Some, I assume, are good poultry."

"Say what you will about crooked Hillary, but she wouldn't let these birds get off scot-free."

"Mickey Dolenz was always my favorite Monkee."

"Before we know it, we'll have a Willie Horton situation, with super-predator turkeys roaming our streets."

The White House declined requests for comment, except to cite Article II, Section 2 of the United States Constitution, which gives the president dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trump Said to be Contemplating New Name for the White House

President-elect Donald Trump and his closest advisors have been hard at work, winnowing down their lengthy list of potential new names for the US presidential residence, long known as the White House. Sources close to the businessman-turned-politician say that the Trump Organization, as the only global luxury real estate super-brand, must be very careful when branding their latest acquisition.

"The obvious name, Trump Palace, alas, is taken," said one insider, on condition of anonymity. He went on to list some of the finalists:

Trump House
Trump Potomac
Trump Manor
Trump Ch√Ęteau
Trump Villa
Trumpety-Trump-Trump-Trump

Mr. Trump was overheard saying "Villa - is that Mexican? It sounds Mexican. My friends the Mexicans would love that."

Perhaps surprisingly, "the White House" is still in the running. "It just makes sense," argued a long-time associate of Mr. Trump. "After all, who will be the beneficiaries of the Trump administration? What word better defines the next four years?"

After an awkward pause, the source said "White. The word white. That's what word. Defines the next four... I gotta go." He glanced at his bare wrist as if he were wearing a watch, and scuttled off like a crab.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

On the Anniversary of JFK's Assassination, Trump Unable to Account for His Whereabouts on November 22, 1963


An anonymous source alleges that President-elect Donald Trump may have been involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. When pressed by reporters, Trump said "Let me tell you, I would've been a tremendous assassin. Tremendous. Believe me. I didn't do it, but I would've been better than that loser Lee Harvey Oswald. So much better."

Trump, 17 years of age at the time, and a student at the New York Military Academy, could not produce a plausible alibi. Historians are skeptical that he was present in the Texas Book Repository. Said Doris Kearns Goodwin, "That dude don't like books!" David McCullough, said to be halfway through the second draft of his biography of the president-elect, added "More like the Texas Comic Book Repository! Am I right?"

The Donald in 1964.