Fermat’s Next-to-Last Theorem

Archivists have discovered a previously unknown conjecture by Pierre de Fermat. Found scribbled in the margin of his copy of the January 1979 issue of Tiger Beat magazine is the following note:

I have devised the most marvelous proof that Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” is the best disco song of all time. I don’t have room here for the entire proof.

Reaction from disco academics has been divided. Said Dr. Lenny Euler of USC, ‘This is nonsense. It’s long been known that Donna Summer has ten or more better disco songs. Gauss knew that in his crib!” In contrast, Dr. Pete Laplace of the University of Chicago commented “I think Fermat is correct, but, alas, more than a decade of my own toil has been spent in vain trying to prove just that. I have completed the related proof that Heart of Glass is, of the indisputably great disco songs, the best new wave song. Are you listening, Nobel committee?”

Debby Harry did not respond to requests for comment.

President-elect Trump Announces the Death of Irony

In announcing his second choice for Attorney General, Donald J. Trump said on Truth (sic) Social that nominee Pam Bondi will end the weaponization of the Department of Justice. Ms. Bondi is most known for exclaiming "Lock her up!" from the dais of the Republican National Convention.

GOP apologists, who wish to remain anonymous on grounds of severe shame, point out that Trump only promised that Bondi would end DOJ weaponization against Republicans.

Trump Retracts Oz Nomination; Names New CMS Admin

President-elect Donald Trump has retracted his nomination of Dr. Mehmet Oz to the position of Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. Sources close to the former game show host said the reasons were twofold: he found out Dr. Oz was Muslim; and as anonymous sources quoted Mr. Trump, "That's not who I meant! That's the wrong Oz!"

The new nominee is the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Congressional GOP leaders reacted positively to the change. Speaker of the House Mike "Mike" Johnson said "Oz will enhance the other nominees. For example, he can give Matt Gaetz a heart, and RFKjr a brain. You know, the whole worm thing." Paging through his list of nominees, Rep. Johnson was heard to mutter "Needs a brain... brain... brain and heart... brain..."

Trump Picks Captain Kangaroo for Secretary of the Navy

President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Captain Kangaroo as the next Secretary of the Navy. Exasperated Senator Chuck Schumer said in a press conference on Tuesday “Another TV personality? How many is that? And what does Bob Keeshan know about the Navy?” An aide to the senator explained that no, it’s not the actor Bob Keeshan who played the beloved Captain Kangaroo for twenty-nine years that Trump has chosen, it’s the character of Captain Kangaroo who will fill the top job in the US Navy.

Continued Schumer “How is that even possible? And isn’t Bob Keeshan dead? OK, yes, yes… it’s not Keeshan, it’s the Captain. I’m going to have to think about this.”

Incoming Senate majority leader John Thune, R-SD, promised to promptly hold confirmation hearings, if Mr. Moose doesn’t drop ping-pong balls in the hearing room. “Then all bets are off.”

Trump Appoints Self to New Cabinet Position

In a post on Truth (sic) Social, president-elect Trump appointed himself to the position of Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization.

I am pleased to announce that Former President Donald J. Trump will be joining the Trump Administration as Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization. I've known Don for a long time, and there is Nobody Better at including Capital Letters in Nouns, Verbs, Adjectives, Adverbs, And Conjunctions. Failing Lamestream English Teachers may say these Letters are incorrect, but nobody knows Grammar like Donald J. Trump. I've heard from MAGA English Teachers from all over the Country, and many of them, especially from MIT, are saying "President Trump, I've never seen anybody Capitalize with such brilliance as you."

 

Illiterates everywhere were unavailable for comment.