Thursday, November 24, 2016

Trump to End Tradition of Pardoning Thanksgiving Turkey

President-elect Donald Trump lashed out at President Obama early today over the yearly White House ritual of pardoning a turkey. In a series of 3 a.m. tweets, the real estate mogul laid out an air-tight logical case for ending the practice.

"Pardon a turkey? Obama has lost his mind! Sad!"

"These turkeys are criminals, drug dealers. Some, I assume, are good poultry."

"Say what you will about crooked Hillary, but she wouldn't let these birds get off scot-free."

"Mickey Dolenz was always my favorite Monkee."

"Before we know it, we'll have a Willie Horton situation, with super-predator turkeys roaming our streets."

The White House declined requests for comment, except to cite Article II, Section 2 of the United States Constitution, which gives the president dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.