Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Trump Proclaims “Yearning to Breathe Free” Now a Crime

President Trump, in executive order number 13842, entitled “Immigrant Deportation Is OK, Totally!” today declared that henceforth, it will be illegal to yearn to breathe free.

The order (known informally as “I.D.I.O.T.”) applies not only to huddled masses, but also to tired, poor, wretched refuse, homeless, tempest-tost [sic], Muslims, and Latin Americans.

Caucasians, unless registered as Democrats, are encouraged to yearn as much as they want, to breathe as free as free can be.

Two former presidents, who wish to remain anonymous, said “In retrospect, perhaps relying so heavily on executive orders set a poor precedent. As Professor Chris Edelson has written...” (frankly, this reporter nodded off and missed the rest of that quote), and “S***, dog, I told y'all about the evil triplet isms.”

Senator Charles Schumer responded to the order by saying “Here in Congress, our hands are tied. What would you have us do? Pass a law? Don’t be ridiculous!”

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Scientists Create Human/Pig Embryo

Scientists have created an embryo that contains both human and pig cells.  Nicknamed "Donald'' by the team of white-lab-coat-wearing ghoulish tinkerers, the embryo is said to have tiny hands and a fat head.

"It's incredibly sensitive - over-sensitive, I'd say - to the slightest stimulus," said team leader Dr. Mary Richards. "Other than that, it just seems like a regular pig, mostly."

Friday, December 09, 2016

Judge Reinhold's Arrest Puts Supreme Court Appointment in Jeopardy

DALLAS - Judge Reinhold was arrested Thursday on charges of disorderly conduct. He was involved in a fracas with security agents at Dallas Love Field airport. Some witnesses say it wasn't a fracas at all, but merely a kerfuffle. Others called it a ruckus.

Washington was abuzz with talk of whether president-elect Donald Trump would withdraw Reinhold's name from nomination for the Supreme Court seat left vacant lo these many months by the death of Antonin Scalia and the contumacy of Congress.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Trump Remembers Fidel Castro

President-elect Donald Trump held a press conference today to hail Fidel Castro, deceased leader of Cuba, as a "sincere and reliable friend of Russia - I mean America." Reporters were puzzled that his lips weren't synchronized with his words, and that he seemed to have developed a Russian accent.

Mr. Trump went on to say "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It's totally not Putin."

Friday, November 25, 2016

Trump mourns "Partridge Family" Matriarch Florence Henderson

President-elect Donald Trump today expressed the grief of the nation, one day after beloved actress Florence Henderson passed away. Unsuccessfully fighting back tears, Mr. Trump rambled on for 35 minutes, mostly about the rivalry between Danny Partridge and Reuben Kincaid.

Mr. Trump's Senior Counselor designate, Stephen "Steve" Bannon, briefly pulled Mr. Trump away from the podium and whispered in his ear. A visibly relieved Trump resumed his remarks, saying "Oh, thank God! Not Mrs. Partridge! I didn't like the Mom on 'My Three Sons' anyway. Never mind!"

Trump Decrees Hungry Hungry Hippos Match

President-elect Donald Trump has determined that his two finalists for the position of Secretary of State, Mitt Romney and Rudolph W. Giuliani, will fight it out in a winner-take-all, best-of-five Hungry Hungry Hippos cage match. It will be shown on pay-per-view cable television at a date to be determined. Insiders expect it to take place before the end of November.

Las Vegas oddsmakers had initially picked former New York Mayor Giuliani as a 5-to-2 favorite. As a New Yorker and a former prosecutor, he has a bit of a reputation as a street fighter. Former Governor Romney, on the other hand, has a reputation akin to that of mild-mannered comic book character Richie Rich.

However, it was revealed late on Thanksgiving Day that Mr. Romney is a life-long Hungry Hungry Hippos player. A leaked manuscript of an unauthorized biography detailed his long history with the game. As a youth, he spent three years training under famed coach Dirk Bollettieri, who has coached ten world #1 Hungry Hungry Hippos players. Although Mr. Romney never played professionally, he was a nationally ranked junior player, and was heavily recruited by several pro teams.

As Governor of Massachusetts, Mr. Romney often used Hungry Hungry Hippos to resolve disputes among his cabinet members. More than one weak player resigned in frustration, unable to secure the Governor's backing for funding their departments.

Mr. Giuliani had been publicly predicting a three-to-zero sweep in the match, but has now retreated to his mountain lair, presumably to train.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Lost "Star Trek" Script

I found this fragment of an old TV script at a rummage sale.




Captain's log, stardate 6.02x10^23. The enterprise is on a diplomatic mission, transporting Ambassador Zdechlik to Rigel 6. Ten light-years from our destination, we encountered a previously unknown interstellar barrier. According to sensors, it is composed of pure energy.

Lieutenant Chekhov -- visual, minimum magnification.

CHEKHOV fiddles with his control panel, and a swirling whirlpool-like object appears on the screen.

It's a wortex!

A what?

What's that at the center of the vortex? Maximum magnification, Lieutenant.

CHEKHOV again adjusts his control panel. A menacing space ship is at the center of the vortex.

An alien wessel! Possibly of Wulcan origin!

A what? From where?

I hardly think it's necessary to describe a Vulcan ship as "alien," Lieutenant.

Scan it with our sensors.

It's... wacant, Captain.

We're on year 4 1/2 of our five-year mission, and he still can't speak English!

Vacant? No life forms? Has there been a life-support failure? Scan for appropriate temperature, artificial gravity, atmosphere.

The interior has no air -- it's a wacuum.

Has the hull been breached? Any sign of battle?

The ship is intact. No signs of wiolence.

And yet the ship is completely devoid of life? Please scan again.

I will werify.

CHEKHOV beats his control panel like a drum

CHEKHOV (cont'd)
Wacuum. No oxygen. No nitrogen. Not so much as a molecule of water wapor.
(continues to fiddle with control panel)

They're dead, Jim!

I see evidence that they're the wictims of Klingon wengeance.

What evidence?



Womit. Sensors detect wast amounts of womit on the Wulcan wessel.

If I may, Lieutenant... Captain, the Klingons have been known to be working on biological weapons. It's possible that they've devised a bacteria...

... or wirus!

... or virus that causes deadly gastroenteritis.

Bones! What do you think of this? Could it be contagious? Could the Enterprise be at risk?

Jim, I'm a doctor, not a doc... never mind. Yes, it could be a threat to our crew. Or at least to those of us with green blood.

(Awkward pause, as MCCOY and KIRK smile at one another, and SPOCK arches an eyebrow.)

Humans might be immune?

It's impossible to know, without collecting a sample.

If you had a sample, could you come up with a cure?

A waccine?