President-elect Trump Announces the Death of Irony

In announcing his second choice for Attorney General, Donald J. Trump said on Truth (sic) Social that nominee Pam Bondi will end the weaponization of the Department of Justice. Ms. Bondi is most known for exclaiming "Lock her up!" from the dais of the Republican National Convention.

GOP apologists, who wish to remain anonymous on grounds of severe shame, point out that Trump only promised that Bondi would end DOJ weaponization against Republicans.

Trump Retracts Oz Nomination; Names New CMS Admin

President-elect Donald Trump has retracted his nomination of Dr. Mehmet Oz to the position of Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. Sources close to the former game show host said the reasons were twofold: he found out Dr. Oz was Muslim; and as anonymous sources quoted Mr. Trump, "That's not who I meant! That's the wrong Oz!"

The new nominee is the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Congressional GOP leaders reacted positively to the change. Speaker of the House Mike "Mike" Johnson said "Oz will enhance the other nominees. For example, he can give Matt Gaetz a heart, and RFKjr a brain. You know, the whole worm thing." Paging through his list of nominees, Rep. Johnson was heard to mutter "Needs a brain... brain... brain and heart... brain..."

Trump Picks Captain Kangaroo for Secretary of the Navy

President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Captain Kangaroo as the next Secretary of the Navy. Exasperated Senator Chuck Schumer said in a press conference on Tuesday “Another TV personality? How many is that? And what does Bob Keeshan know about the Navy?” An aide to the senator explained that no, it’s not the actor Bob Keeshan who played the beloved Captain Kangaroo for twenty-nine years that Trump has chosen, it’s the character of Captain Kangaroo who will fill the top job in the US Navy.

Continued Schumer “How is that even possible? And isn’t Bob Keeshan dead? OK, yes, yes… it’s not Keeshan, it’s the Captain. I’m going to have to think about this.”

Incoming Senate majority leader John Thune, R-SD, promised to promptly hold confirmation hearings, if Mr. Moose doesn’t drop ping-pong balls in the hearing room. “Then all bets are off.”

Trump Appoints Self to New Cabinet Position

In a post on Truth (sic) Social, president-elect Trump appointed himself to the position of Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization.

I am pleased to announce that Former President Donald J. Trump will be joining the Trump Administration as Secretary of Unnecessary Capitalization. I've known Don for a long time, and there is Nobody Better at including Capital Letters in Nouns, Verbs, Adjectives, Adverbs, And Conjunctions. Failing Lamestream English Teachers may say these Letters are incorrect, but nobody knows Grammar like Donald J. Trump. I've heard from MAGA English Teachers from all over the Country, and many of them, especially from MIT, are saying "President Trump, I've never seen anybody Capitalize with such brilliance as you."

 

Illiterates everywhere were unavailable for comment. 

Trump Proclaims “Yearning to Breathe Free” Now a Crime

President Trump, in executive order number 13842, entitled “Immigrant Deportation Is OK, Totally!” today declared that henceforth, it will be illegal to yearn to breathe free.

The order (known informally as “I.D.I.O.T.”) applies not only to huddled masses, but also to tired, poor, wretched refuse, homeless, tempest-tost [sic], Muslims, and Latin Americans.

Caucasians, unless registered as Democrats, are encouraged to yearn as much as they want, to breathe as free as free can be.

Two former presidents, who wish to remain anonymous, said “In retrospect, perhaps relying so heavily on executive orders set a poor precedent. As Professor Chris Edelson has written...” (frankly, this reporter nodded off and missed the rest of that quote), and “S***, dog, I told y'all about the evil triplet isms.”

Senator Charles Schumer responded to the order by saying “Here in Congress, our hands are tied. What would you have us do? Pass a law? Don’t be ridiculous!”

Scientists Create Human/Pig Embryo

Scientists have created an embryo that contains both human and pig cells.  Nicknamed "Donald'' by the team of white-lab-coat-wearing ghoulish tinkerers, the embryo is said to have tiny hands and a fat head.

"It's incredibly sensitive - over-sensitive, I'd say - to the slightest stimulus," said team leader Dr. Mary Richards. "Other than that, it just seems like a regular pig, mostly."

Judge Reinhold's Arrest Puts Supreme Court Appointment in Jeopardy

DALLAS - Judge Reinhold was arrested Thursday on charges of disorderly conduct. He was involved in a fracas with security agents at Dallas Love Field airport. Some witnesses say it wasn't a fracas at all, but merely a kerfuffle. Others called it a ruckus.

Washington was abuzz with talk of whether president-elect Donald Trump would withdraw Reinhold's name from nomination for the Supreme Court seat left vacant lo these many months by the death of Antonin Scalia and the contumacy of Congress.