As Black Smoke Rises from Sistine Chapel, Trump Claims Vatican Conclave Rigged

The US President declared in a Truth (sic) Social post that the papal conclave is rigged.

The Radical Left Lowlife Junior College Of Cardinals is trying to cover up their Cheating in the last Conclave by Cheating even More in this one!! Everyone wants me as Pope! Many, perhaps all, Bishops are saying to me "Sir, I'm Praying for you to be Pope!" Ask any Catholic and they'll tell you. But the Deep State Communist Cardinals are against me.

 

Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa, Latin Patriarchate of Jerusalem, was unavailable for comment. Plenty of other Cardinals practically tripped over each other to give a pithy quote, but it's Pizzaballa or nothing, in this reporter's view.

One, Two, Three, Four! I Declare a Trade War!

President Trump yesterday announced tariffs on imports from our closest allies. Particularly hard-hit are Atlantis, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, Tatooine, Arrakis, Elbonia, Lilliput, Brobdingnag, and Bali Ha'i.

[Editor's note: a previous version of this story mistakenly included Eastasia in the list of new tariffs. We've always been in a trade war with Eastasia. We regret the error.]

Gulf of America

The White House announced today that, in addition to the previously-announced Gulf of America, many more geographic names are slated to change. A preliminary list includes the following:

New Mexico: New And Improved Mexico.

Rio Grande: Half-caf/half-decaf Rio Venti.

Arkansas: Still Arkansas, but now pronounced Are-Kansas.

Rhode Island: Rhode. Just Rhode. It's not an island, people! Have you looked at a map?!

Niagra Falls: Viagra Falls. This was unexplained, but a White House insider who declined to be named said it was the President's personal decision. Winking and making a finger-guns gesture, the source concluded with "'Nuff said."

Virginia and West Virginia, North and South Carolina, and North and South Dakota will be combined to become, respectively, Virginia, Carolina, and Dogpatch. The electoral consequences of this made Democratic campaign strategists' eyes grow as big as saucers. The White House, when asked to comment about this aspect of the change, said "That's not a worry, 'cause we never thought of that."

Finger Lakes: Wiener Lakes. Acknowledging that they don't especially look like wieners, the White House defended the change, saying they don't really look like fingers either.

In related news, all restaurants will now be renamed to McDonald's.

Trump Appoints Economic Council Co-chairs

President Trump today appointed Sen. Reed Smoot and Rep. Willis Hawley as joint chairs of the National Economic Council. The announcement came as a surprise to economists all across the spectrum, from Phil Gramm to Paul Krugman. "I thought those two were as dead as their ideas," said Gramm. Krugman just sighed, buried his face in his hands, and quietly groaned.

Ludwig von Mises sprang from his grave, lurched towards the White House, spotted Elon Musk on the way and gave him the finger, saying "I got your gesture right here!" He burst into the Oval Office, slapped the President, then shambled back to his resting place, shouting "Don't make me come back again!" as he clawed his way back into the ground.