Trump Sells 1st Amendment to Iran

President Donald Trump on Wednesday announced the sale of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, to Iran. This follows numerous recent declarations from the president decrying the Iranian government's crackdown on protestors.

"Hey, we're not using that amendment anyway. Why not get a few dollars for it? One government should stop shooting protestors, and another government...? Say no more. Capiche?"

The populace of Minneapolis was unavailable for comment.

Executive Order to Establish New Grammar Rule

President Donald Trump announced in a Truth (sic) Social post that he will be signing an executive order to change the rules of grammar. Effective immediately, all complete sentences must contain a noun, a verb, and "Joe Biden."

A high-ranking White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the original idea was that the rule would only apply to bad economic news, the Epstein files, immigration enforcement folly, naval misadventures, and similar issues. But on reflection, the administration realized a simpler blanket rule amounts to the same thing. "No news is good news" added the official, apparently completely misunderstanding the maxim.