Thursday, November 24, 2016

Lost "Star Trek" Script

I found this fragment of an old TV script at a rummage sale.

STAR TREK
"UNCLE WANYA"

INT. ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

KIRK
(voiceover)

Captain's log, stardate 6.02x10^23. The enterprise is on a diplomatic mission, transporting Ambassador Zdechlik to Rigel 6. Ten light-years from our destination, we encountered a previously unknown interstellar barrier. According to sensors, it is composed of pure energy.

KIRK
Lieutenant Chekhov -- visual, minimum magnification.

CHEKHOV fiddles with his control panel, and a swirling whirlpool-like object appears on the screen.

CHEKHOV
It's a wortex!

MCCOY
A what?

KIRK
What's that at the center of the vortex? Maximum magnification, Lieutenant.

CHEKHOV again adjusts his control panel. A menacing space ship is at the center of the vortex.

CHEKHOV
An alien wessel! Possibly of Wulcan origin!

MCCOY
A what? From where?

SPOCK
I hardly think it's necessary to describe a Vulcan ship as "alien," Lieutenant.

KIRK
Scan it with our sensors.

CHECKHOV
It's... wacant, Captain.

MCCOY
We're on year 4 1/2 of our five-year mission, and he still can't speak English!

KIRK
Vacant? No life forms? Has there been a life-support failure? Scan for appropriate temperature, artificial gravity, atmosphere.

CHEKHOV
The interior has no air -- it's a wacuum.

KIRK
Has the hull been breached? Any sign of battle?

CHEKHOV
The ship is intact. No signs of wiolence.

KIRK
And yet the ship is completely devoid of life? Please scan again.

CHEKHOV
I will werify.

CHEKHOV beats his control panel like a drum

CHEKHOV (cont'd)
Wacuum. No oxygen. No nitrogen. Not so much as a molecule of water wapor.
(continues to fiddle with control panel)

MCCOY
They're dead, Jim!

CHEKHOV
I see evidence that they're the wictims of Klingon wengeance.

KIRK
What evidence?

CHEKHOV
Womit.

KIRK
Vomit?

CHEKHOV
Womit. Sensors detect wast amounts of womit on the Wulcan wessel.

SPOCK
If I may, Lieutenant... Captain, the Klingons have been known to be working on biological weapons. It's possible that they've devised a bacteria...

CHEKHOV
(interjecting)
... or wirus!

SPOCK
... or virus that causes deadly gastroenteritis.

KIRK
Bones! What do you think of this? Could it be contagious? Could the Enterprise be at risk?

MCCOY
Jim, I'm a doctor, not a doc... never mind. Yes, it could be a threat to our crew. Or at least to those of us with green blood.

(Awkward pause, as MCCOY and KIRK smile at one another, and SPOCK arches an eyebrow.)

KIRK
Humans might be immune?

MCCOY
It's impossible to know, without collecting a sample.

KIRK
If you had a sample, could you come up with a cure?

CHEKHOV
A waccine?

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